I had a conversation with my father today, a man that I’ve always considered to be very level headed and fair minded.  He had an issue with his computer.  This is not uncommon as there’s usually a learning curve associated with older people and newer technology.  But today was different.  He told me a few days ago that his computer was running slow.  Something that I had noticed too the last time I did a software update.  But today he said he couldn’t log on to his email.

He, like very few others, still has a Yahoo! account, and must log onto yahoo.com to access the account unless it’s setup in a third party application. Today my father informed me that his computer would hang whenever he tried to get into his email.

When I asked what website he was going to he said, “Hallmark Channel.”

I asked,  “why are you going to the Hallmark Channel?”

He seemed uncertain.  He kept saying he wanted to get into his email.

I asked, isn’t yahoo.com where he wanted to go, and he just wasn’t sure.

I then tried to lead him through the process of opening his Mail application on this desktop, and he failed to understand what an “app,” was.  I even tried to let him know that he could always check his mail on their iPad. To which he informed me, “Well I don’t have access to that, your mother has that,” to which I just had no verbal comment.

After a bit of a silence I calmly said, “Yes, mom has it, but you can always ask to use it to check your email.”

I’ve known for some time that Dad’s mind is going.  Today’s example really hit me like a train.  I tried to be calm with him, but my emotions took over.  I feel scared for him for the future, I am anxious because I don’t know if my parents have planned for a future where Dad can’t take care of himself, and I am worried about my Dad’s health and well-being.

I am sad, and angry, and worried, all at the same time. A set of feelings that I’ve never felt before, and it’s scary.

Even a few days later, as I look up the next steps that should be taken–doctors to be seen, lists of how to help aging parents, etc, I still feel this set of emotions that I’ve not felt before.  Same as last time, a combination of sad, worried, and scared.  But, as I started making my lists those emotions were replaced with a sense of purpose.  I’m going to help my parents figure this out.

…to be continued