I have been wanting to write another blog entry, I was going to write about my anxiety that I felt last weekend when going to a PDC (Permaculture Design Course) Reunion. But the events of last weekend—the attempted bombings, the synagogue shooting, and the gunman that mowed down two African Americans at a grocery store after a botched attempt to gain entry into a black church—has really shut me up.

Let’s not quibble, there is a hatred of some people are against others, particularly minorities. As a brown person, this past weekend has been the first time since 9/11 where I have felt trepidation about going into public spaces. Even though I live in a liberal part of the country, and the majority of the people here are likely equally disgusted, I still feel fear.  I can only imagine what people in other parts of the country, where there is less diversity, must feel.

I don’t want to make this a political post, but these are real examples of fear feeding fear.

Going through day-to-day life I sometimes have a fear of other people, and what they might think about me, or how they might judge me.

Yesterday I had an incident while out running in the woods in Lincoln. I came upon a dog walker with two large dogs (50-75#). She did have them on leashes, but when I approached she was busy texting on her phone rather than pulling the dogs off the trail so that I could go by her. At one point I even said, “hello, can I get by you?”

To which her response was, “of course,” and attempted to pull the dogs close to her with one hand.  Unfortunately she was unable to and the dogs leaped forward anyways–making it impossible for me to go around. When I did eventually go around, which meant going into the woods because she wouldn’t get off of her phone for long enough to be bothered to handle her dogs properly, she noticed that I didn’t have shoes on. She chose this point to give me a hard time, and implied that I was at fault if I get bit by her dogs. 

After that incident I continued on my way, crossed over to the Walden Pond Reservation, and did my planed six-ish mile run. However, toward the end I had to go back to that first area to get back to my vehicle, and the thought of doing that really made me pause. Even though a few hours had passed, I was fearful of running into the woman again. But I had no choice, there was no easy way around to get back to my vehicle. And also, I really didn’t want to give into my fears.

The gate that gave me pause.

Eventually I cautiously made my way through that trail system, and back to my car without incident. But that entire interaction stayed with me all day, and even as I tried to sleep last night.

While I laid in bed, I remembered to tell myself:

I belong here. I belong here, and I have the right to be here.

I have the right to not be harassed, I have the right to not intimidated by people who would be against me for how I look, or how I act, or even the color of my skin.

I remember hearing a quote about how do you overcome fear. And it is the simplest explanation: “You tell fear no!”

No, you will not control my life!